Originally posted on December 24, 2007
Category : Life
A Sad And Wonderful Christmas
This is a sad and wonderful Christmas. This Christmas seems sadder than Christmases before it. I've tried writing this many times before but I couldn't quite do it without breaking down. Today is really no exception but I want to try to write some of the story. I talked to my daddy a few days ago and he told me how hard Christmases are getting for him. He says he keeps thinking about all the wonderful Christmases we had when we were little. We will never again have a Christmas like those. I lost my brother a few years ago, several years ago really but it feels like yesterday every-time I think about him. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I think I'll just learn how to live with the sadness. My brother and I were alike in many ways. He was wonderfully kind, sweet, exciting, eccentric and before his time. I only hope I'm like that too but I suppose that's a matter of opinion. I don't think anyone would deny that we definitely looked alike (we look like our mother). He was exactly 9 years older than me. My other brother is exactly 9 years older than my sister. Both my brothers were born in January, my sister and I were both born in July...a perfect sibling foursome. And when we were little, playing games that young siblings play, I never thought he wouldn't be here to see me get married or have kids or become a woman. But he isn't. I miss him so much sometimes I think my heart will explode with sadness. When he left this Earth, I was so sad it was difficult to breathe, it still is. This year more than any other, I think about him. Perhaps because I'm getting older. Perhaps because this year, more than any other year, I feel my mortality. As you know if you read the Blood Blessing blog entry, this past September, I was very close to losing my own life. Since his passing though, I haven't been afraid of dying. I know, I hope, I'll see him when I go, and that's a very good feeling. I know that God and my brother's spirit helped me survive that day, when there was no logical reason I should have. And in that, there is the paradox. I miss him so much it hurts but I'm grateful to be here. Not for myself but for the people that love me. It's really hard to be sad and grateful in the same breath. So, this Christmas is sad and wonderful. I'm sad because he's not here for me to talk to and share things with. Though, the truth of the matter is, he is here...he's in me, he's in his sons, his brother, his sister, his father and mother. He's here in everyone that loves him so much it's difficult to breathe. I can't write all I want here because it's too hard to type and cry. But I will tell you this, hug the people you love tightly, very tightly. Deeply appreciate your family ties, friends and people you love more than the wonderful Christmas presents you give and receive. There is nothing better than the people you love, nothing. So, when you get that material thing that you wanted so badly for Christmas, think about the person that gave it to you. Think about how blessed you are to have that person, not that. Love with your whole heart and never apologize for it. I can't think of a better gift than that and if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit that you can't either. Isn't that the most wonderful affirmation? I think…no, I know it is. Merry Christmas to you and those you love so much.
Original Posted : 2007-12-24 06:58:00 PM
Originally posted on December 24, 2007
This is a sad and wonderful Christmas. This Christmas seems sadder than Christmases before it. I've tried writing this many times before but I couldn't quite do it without breaking down. Today is...
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