Sticky Booger, Your Show Has Been SO Cancelled!

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Originally posted on Wed 9/5/2007, 12:17 PM

I'm not sure this will get posted because I feel so full of bitterness and venom right now, it's uncertain whether this will turn out to be something worth reading. But I'll try.

The "sticky booger" is back in all his annoying glory! He's called me about 8 times within the last 24 hours, which is much improved from the last batch of calls (26 calls in less than an hour). The first few times, he called from his own numbers (house and cell), then he started to get creative and call from other numbers. What I can't figure is, once he "tricks" me into getting me on the phone, what could he possibly say? You know as well as anybody that I couldn't have been any plainer in my past attempts to convince him that it's over. I always marvel at the audacity of some men to think that they can treat you like crap and then expect to be welcomed back with open arms after a few well-chosen words. There hasn't been one person that I've dated that I haven't warned, in plain English, what would happen if thing continued on a downward spiral. I guess I don't seem convincing enough to be believed. Or maybe the arrogance of some men is too powerful to supersede common sense. For over a year, there has been only one person that I've even attempted to put any serious energy into, and things ended up the way they usually do. All my previous statements and warnings simply disregarded and swept under the rug without a moment's thought. I would say in the last few years, I've decided to take a very honest and direct approach to any relationship attempts. I don't play any games. I don't try to make anyone jealous or distrustful of me. Instead of retiring to my shell without explanation, I try to warn a person when I'm not feeling well or social, so that if they don't hear from me for a while, it isn't them, it's something I want to work out alone. I try to be as open and honest as I can be and still, no relationship rewards. It isn't until the relationship has reached a place of no return, are all those relationship "gems" even offered (appreciation, gratitude). SB (Sticky Booger) had many opportunities to shape up and he did for a while but then it was back to the same old thing. It got old pretty fast. Now, I just don't have the desire/energy to keep repeating myself. He should've asked himself if he was worth all the trouble he was causing. If he was honest with himself, the answer would be a adamant "No", still it went on. See, I'm not saying I'm "all that" but I know I have other options. I don't have to be by myself if I don't want to. And if the worst case scenario is that I'm by myself and living a stress-free life, I'm still way ahead of the game.

The peculiar thing is, I really don't ask for much, just a little acknowledgement and appreciation. I bet you could ask anyone I've dated and they'll tell you that. In the Grand Scheme, my contribution is great but my return is lousy. I think that's part of the reason S.B. keeps coming back. He dates other women and realizes that he had it pretty good (and easy) when we were together. I think I'm a pretty stress/drama free woman. I don't have the energy for that sort of silliness. I think that if the men I've dated asked themselves if they're worth all the trouble they were causing, if they're honest with themselves, the answer would be an emphatic "No". Still, it seems that I'm always being tested...my loyalty, my devotion, my patience. I think the thing that some men don't realize is, every time they do something to "test" you, they permanently change the chemistry and dynamic of your/their relationship. Each time, you feel a little different about them until you're pushed all the way to the other side (never to return). It isn't until then that you get what you wanted that whole time (for me-acknowledgement and appreciation). Where was all that energy, attention, acknowledgement and appreciation when it was of some use? Honestly, I work hard to be an optimistic person but it's not easy when all the men around you are constantly "testing" you. Whenever I meet someone new now, I can't seem to get past the thought that he's going to putting me through changes (testing me) in a relatively short amount of time. As a matter of fact, for the first time in my life, I'm questioning whether marriage is even for me. I'm leaning toward marriage NOT being my thing anymore, unless polygamy is an option. I keep hoping someone will help change my stance on that but it hasn't happened yet. I don't want to become a bitter old maid but I'm not sure how to release these feelings of discontent, frustration, even rage (at times). Though I'm not a player by nature, I think I need to spread myself around a little more. Not like that! I mean, fish from a bigger pool of possibilities. For over a year now, I've entertained only one person. Accepted calls from only one person. I was excited about only one person. I think my first mistake was trusting this one person to change it all for me. That isn't his fault, it's completely mine. My mother always said "Never put all your eggs in one basket". I think she's right. I don't know. I have no answers. I guess answers aren't meant for me now. I'll just keep plodding along, waiting for a sign. I think of my present situation as catch phrases from some of my favorite reality TV shows (to eliminate a contestant). Project Runway's "Auf Wiedersehen" (goodbye in German), Top Chef's "Please pack your knives and go" but my favorite catch phrase, the one that says it all right now is Top Design's, "Your show has been cancelled."  And it has too.