Originally posted on June 23, 2008
Friday, over a
couple of ice-cold Mojitos and kick azz rainbow trout, reality begins to sink in
(again). I tell my best friend of my frustration over not being able to manifest
what it is I think I want in my romantic life. I give her all the reasons that I
think haven't been successful. My excuses run the gamut; from choosing too
old potentials, too young potentials, too immature, too
selfish, too...(you get the idea). She listens attentively but
then tells me frankly and abruptly, that while some of my reasons may be valid
and true, she didn't think that was really my problem. She says that all of my
indecision and light-hearted attitude toward love is based squarely on [my] fear
of the unknown and not much else. I try to argue that her analysis
is a bit off. I try to tell her that most my problem is the men I
choose, not me. For a while I believed it too. Eventually, I had to agree
that her conclusion was right on target. It's much harder to blame your current,
unhappy state on yourself and take full responsibility for it, than it is to
blame someone else. I can't in all honesty do that anymore. Anyway, Saturday
night comes. Things are fun (as usual) but there's something missing. There's an
element within me that feels a little off, making me not as happy as I would
ordinarily be on a carefree Saturday night. After a few drinks, a little dancing
and watching the UFC in between, "The Ex" walks in. He smiles at me and
walks straight over to my table. I smile back at him and ask him what he's doing
there (as if I didn't know). He's more aggressive with revealing his
feelings for me than he was before. I hadn't called him or offered my phone
number since seeing him again, so I guess he figured he'd better kick things
into high gear if he was going to win me back. He tells me he loves
me very much, wants to take care of me completely and that he owes me so much.
Duh! I listen to him but I have take to breaks from the heavy mood of his
heartfelt monologue, so I go dance with my girlfriend to relieve some of the
intensity. Every time I'd come back, he starts again right where he left off.
Finally, I tell him that I'll always care about him and that I'll never
again love anyone the way I loved him but I just can't go back to all that
or him. One of things I loved about him then, was that he was very
protective of me. I always felt totally and completely safe with him, as if he
would never let anything or anyone hurt me (except him of course).
You have no idea how wonderful that "protected" feeling is, to a
self-proclaimed bad azz chick like me. Honestly, I still feel safe with
him. (Too bad he wasn't there the night of the fist fight though.) It was
evident that sis felt he'd protect me too after some drama developed over a
friend's "stolen" purse. The purse incident kept us at the club long after the
doors closed. Well, I'd had an ample amount to drink, so sis left me with
The Ex, while she helped the "robbed" friend by searching the parking lot and
talking to the hotel staff and potential witnesses. I start to feel tired and
nauseated. The Ex stays with me, he hugs me tenderly, rubs my back and asks me
repeatedly to let him take me & sis to eat. He says I'll feel much better
once I get something in my stomach. He holds me tightly, protects me and makes
me feel safe, just like he did back then. He stays with me until sis comes to
collect me. He tells her that he wants to take us to eat and that I'll feel
better once I get some food. Sis quietly asks me if I want to go. I tell her
"No" and reply to him "No Thanks." He's disappointed
but he doesn't drive off. Sis whispers to me again, "Now, we can go if
you really want to." I quietly reply to her; "I want to eat
with you, not him." She tells him thanks and that she'll take it from
there. She helps me into the truck and he drives off. We eat at IHOP and
she tells me that she knows, more than ever, that I'm a different woman than I
was before. She says she can tell that I'm stronger and that she doesn't think
I'll go back to being the woman I was before. She's right but I'm not really
happier, not right now at least. Today at work, the disappointment of not
being able to find the right romantic formula with anyone was all too much for
me. Very early this morning, I sat in the bathroom stall and cried (hard) for
about 2 straight minutes, being careful not let anyone else hear me. Luckily, it
was about 6AM, so most of my co-workers hadn't made it in yet. Honestly,
I'm just feeling frustrated and hurt. I want to break
through...completely, but I can't. I want to love...completely,
but I can't. I want to "let it all go" and find real
happiness...completely, but I can't. Sitting there in The John, I
collect myself. I get up, wash my face in the sink and make up in my mind that
if someone notices my red eyes, I'll blame it on allergies. Luckily, I made it
back to my desk without being noticed or called-out. While I suppose there is
always a part of my heart that I never really let anyone see or into, I try
really hard to be as nice, considerate, loving and accommodating to the person
I'm with as I can be. If you ask any (well, most) of my exes if I'd been
good to them, they'll honestly answer that I have. But to me, nothing
ever feels like it's enough though! I can't get the love formula right
with anyone. I'm frustrated because it seems like my efforts aren't ever fully
appreciated until I'm gone and I have nothing left (emotionally) to offer that
person. Then, I have to start again with someone new; the same played-out,
painful cycle repeats itself over and over. I feel like a caged hamster running
on spinning wheel, never really getting anywhere at all. On a day like today, it
just doesn't seem worth it. Maybe I should just relent and become that selfish
bitch that never seems to be without several suitors, waiting in line to be
mistreated by her. Maybe I'd be appreciated more, in the present, if I only
cared about myself and didn't give a damn about how he felt. Maybe that's
the real and right formula for lasting love; Selfish Bitch + Hopeful Suitor =
Happily Ever After.....Don't worry, I don't think it's even possible for me to
be that ruthless, as much as I want to be right now. I suppose this is all a
test of patience and my good romantic karma will be rewarded with someone that
truly loves, honors and appreciates me, when we're actually in a
relationship together, not long after the relation-"ship" has sailed. As
cynical and pessimistic as I feel sometimes, I know deep down that I'll be happy
(eventually). I really do believe that, I just don't feel that way
all the time. As far as my love life and "The Ex" are concerned, the only thing
I know for sure is that I'll never go forward, if I keep going backward. And I'm
all about going forward. I'm certain that startling "relationship
revelation" is an essential element in the "mathematical" formula for
happiness. If I can figure out the rest of the equation, I know my happily
ever after can't be far behind. I just wish I wasn't so lousy at
math.
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