Originally posted on April 3, 2008
The tedium of
life's little details continue to wear me down. I'm in desperate need of a
pleasant diversion but I just can't seem to get myself in good position for a
break-through. I've had a couple of recent chances for semi-romantic diversions
but I shut them down before they could even get going. I say "semi-romantic"
because my heart is a little muddled at the moment. You know how it is, you
entertain yourself with "time-passers" but you're really hoping that one special
someone will appear from the mist and declare their undying love for you. Well,
I guess I'm kind of waiting for that unlikely scenario to play out. No matter
what they say, the absence of healthy passion really wears you down. I
can't say that my life has been completely devoid of passionate moments though.
The most recent incident was this past Easter Sunday when I caught my
50-Something year old (brand new) neighbor mercilessly teasing my dog when she
didn't know I was watching her. It was truly reminiscent of the Mall incident I
wrote about in the blog entry. I kid you not, I almost did a Mike
Tyson on this chick. It would have been a real live Easter Sunday Smack
Down but she wisely retreated and apologized before I could get my hands firmly
around her neck. Obviously, that's not the type of passion I want (or need)
right now. I want to experience passion with someone that moves me to
love them, not to punch them (I've had both). Honestly, I have someone
specific in mind but in my present pessimistic romantic state, I don't feel like
it will ever happen. I wish I could proudly declare that I'm that free-spirited,
independent woman that would NEVER wait on one, specific, knuckle-head man to
make his move but frankly, I am waiting...a bit. I'm ashamed to admit it
but I've waited before (but not since my early 20s). I feel like I'm in
the 10th grade, waiting on my crush to ask me out. In the meantime, I'm casually
dismissing perfectly descent attempts for other men to get to know me better.
This sucks but I can't seem to get myself out of this pickle. In a sick sort of
a way, I don't know if I even want to be out of this pickle. See, I'm not
claiming this crush is my soul mate or my one true love but it's nice to have
"butterflies" about someone again. In my opinion, it's a diminished measure of
passion but a measure of passion nonetheless. And really, it's better than going
through life never really caring about anyone in that way. Concerning
this person/possible relationship; I joked with my sister today that I'm
frustrated to the point of shaving my head but since we know (from my college
years) that I look like a baby vulture when I don't have hair on my head,
shaving my head (again) won't really be an option for me (thank
goodness). Hopefully, there will be a breakthrough soon. Either my crush and
I will go forward with an attempt at romantic rapture or my hopes of romantic
rapture with him will be dashed because of some personal problem he has (maybe
horrible body odor or chronic halitosis). There's nothing like putrid body odor
to help you get over that crush...hey, whatever it takes, right?
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