Originally posted on May 9, 2008
After my steamy display of hot, black lesbian love last Saturday night, I was feeling pretty good (maybe I'll explain one day). I was feeling a little more confident or at least, "clearer" about my path (and no, I haven't switched teams yet). As you know, I'm still pretty gun-shy of pursuing an all-encompassing romance. Not that I don't want one, I'm just scared to expend my precious energy on trivial pursuits. It's so weird, I used to be such a chick-chick; full of mushy displays of affection and "emotional" talk. I just can't seem to stomach that stuff anymore, not for long anyway. I'm such a guy-girl now and in many ways, it's much harder to be this way. I can't explain my metamorphosis because I don't know how or when it happened, it just happened. I just know that I'm here now and I have to deal with me, as I am...and so does anybody that dares attempt a relationship with me. There's no question, I've got "issues" but who hasn't? My biggest problem is most certainly my refusal to take on anymore romantic kamikaze missions. My second biggest problem is probably my paralyzing fear of truly caring for someone deeply again. I hate that I'm even softening to the idea of caring for someone and being emotionally vulnerable (again). It's just so damned inconvenient! Ugh! I'm starting to feel mortal again. I'm losing some of my super powers. One day, I'm Superchick, fighting off romantic overtures (and possibilities) in a single bound. The next day, I feel like Superchick after someone hid kryptonite under my pillow as I slept the night before. I don't know. I feel really weak, awkward and unfocused right now and I hate that feeling. Who wouldn't? As infatuation, possibilities of love and contentment continue to grow and creep in on me, I get more and more nervous. I feel like I suck...in a BIG way. Caring about someone is an inevitable circumstance of life I guess. On the positive side, I could also be opening myself up for immeasurable happiness. (long overdue) But when do you know the gamble is worth the risk? Who tha hell knows? I suppose that's an age-old question for which no one really has an answer. The last time I felt truly powerful, confident, emotionally and sexually secure, was when I was gazing seductively into the eyes of a beautiful woman. Yeah, I wrote it! But honestly, I can only truly see myself with a man, so I have to roll the dice like every other straight woman in the world looking to score big in the game of love. I've faced much bigger challenges than that. I can do it. After all, I still have my Superchick costume on under my street clothes. I'll take the wait-and-see approach to love and happiness. I'll just trust that the next potential mate, won't test me to the point of losing all interest in him, us and all of mankind. All I can say is that he'd better possess a few super powers himself. That poor dude.
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