Originally posted on April 11, 2008
It's been 7 days
since my last confession but I think it's time for another one anyway. A few
days ago, I was talking to a new friend about children and my hope of one day
having at least one mini-me in my glorious, somewhat animated, image. We
joked and laughed about the way the kids would look, innocently picking and
choosing from our own physical features. I told him that my vision of my kids
had always been cartoon-like, complete with Disney eyes, big forehead and gums.
I think he was a little surprised that I didn't have any children yet. I never
really got to explain to him why because # 1) I wasn't exactly sure why and #
2) I was a little afraid to search my feelings as to why. It occurred to me
then, that my greatest fear isn't really the sheer irreversible nature
of having kids (though that's a concern), the greatest fear is the sheer
irreversible choice of father. I mean, if I choose poorly, I'll
end up chained to this man for at least 18 years....Ugh! I can't just
walk away and hope for better luck next time, that's a very scary and confining
position for a woman like me to be in. After living like a pioneer for almost a
day and a half (after losing power because of a storm), I didn't think
about it again until I was driving home from work yesterday. I just felt happy
and relieved, all of a sudden. I thought about how absolutely grateful I am to
not be irreversibly attached to any of the losers from my romantic past.
Ironically, that realization/revelation was confirmed (again) when
I received yet another unwelcome (and answered) phone call from Sticky
Booger at 1:06AM this morning-after not hearing from him for several weeks now.
Whew, talk about dodging a bullet! If he remains this attached to me with no
kids involved, what would it be like if we had kids together? Frightening! I
know how this next part will probably "sound" (or read) but I'll write it
anyway. Understand, I'm not claiming to be the world's greatest woman/catch but
I know I'm a pretty cool chick and I've got some really great things to offer
the right person. See, to me, my womb is precious, premium, uncharted territory.
I can't just let anybody plant seeds there. I can't just let any Joe-Blow
haphazardly run up in this, just cause I'm feeling lonely
(or horny)! The stakes are just too dang high. Then it hits me like a ton of
bricks...Eureka! Finally, an answer! All these months (sometimes
years) without physically-intimate contact with anyone, no romantic happy
endings, no successful romantic relationships-period, explained away by this
one, obvious, previously unrealized conclusion. Imagine
it. Me; The Guardian and Keeper of the Royal Womb,
Protector of the precious and (practically) Virtuous Vagina!
It is my solemn duty to protect these bastions of glory with passion,
determination and honor. I want my bloodline to remain strong and elegant. I
can't allow my offspring to be marred by some weak and undeserving contributor.
Talk about failure. I can't believe it! All this thinking, worrying and
frustration has actually cleared my mind (and heart) a little. I've
actually discovered the real root fear of having my own children
(second only to the extreme fear of contracting HIV). So
there it is, in black and white for The World to read. My purpose is clear. My
noble path, distinctly outlined for me. What a breakthrough! What a triumph!
What a load of horse shit! The Quest continues...this time though, with a little
more hope. I know now that I should only clear the cobwebs for the right
one. The chosen one.
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