Originally posted on October 1, 2008
Current mood: scared
Category: Romance and Relationships
Last week I felt like holy hell physically. There's nothing like a green snot, nose-blowing spell to make you forget any other problems in your life. No doubt, I was just another victim of the level orange, ragweed allergy/sinus season. Happily, I'm not nearly as angry as I was in my last entry. Sadly, as it turns out, that all may have indeed been another PMS emotional meltdown but shhhh…don't tell anybody. On September 17th, I celebrated the one year anniversary of my Blood Blessing by taking off work with my favorite girl and chillin…hard. So, why do I write today? I dunno, I guess it's just time. On my way to work yesterday morning, I almost hit an armadillo frantically pacing in the street. The animal's behavior was so erratic, I thought it may have had rabies or something. Then, a few more feet up the road, I saw the fresh remains of another full grown armadillo. I realized then that the surviving armadillo was clearly reacting to the death of it's partner. It made me really sad, more than road kill normally would. After all, deep down, I'm a PETA-like, bleeding-heart animal lover, except for my ravenous appetite for meat and affinity for leather. It suddenly struck me of how deeply impacting losing someone/something you love is, in most all species of animal. When you become emotionally dependent on someone, you risk sending your world into a tailspin when things don't work out, for whatever reason. I just don't want to feel that again, I'm not sure my heart could take it. So, I stay "closed." Simply put, another uncontrollable desire to retire from the real world is consuming me again. I'm so painfully petrified to do anything of romantic significance, that I'm afraid I'll never be able to get myself to healthy place again. One minute, I'm confused, then happy, then content, then confused again, then petrified to move forward…a ridiculous and vicious cycle that I can't seem to remove myself from. Frankly, I've had some significant romantic happiness lately. But this morning, I made a mushy admission, a sappy declaration to someone that suddenly froze me into another unprovoked emotional coma…mere moments afterwards. I felt instantly exposed, insecure and regretful. I've suggested many armchair psychological hypotheses for my inexplicable romantic 'fickleness', none of which have provided me with any measure of relief. Strangely, back in the day, I found myself consumed by a man I thought I could never have lived without. Back then, I cursed his indifference and fickle attitude toward our life together. It was a constant emotional tug-of-war that left me psychologically battered & bruised and the consistent loser of…I'm not too proud to admit that. As hurt and sad as I was then with the things I allowed him to put me through, I couldn't help but feel pity for him because he couldn't decide what he wanted in life. It was clear to me that we were perfect together and most times, he agreed. But after spending too long together, the claustrophobic reality of relationship responsibility set in and sent him scurrying to the hills. Each time (which probably was dozens of times), he would cry (literally), ask me to let him come back and insist he would be better next time. He would beg for my forgiveness and vow to never leave again. Well, since I write this today as an unattached/unmarried woman, it's clear that those vows were not kept. Still, for years afterward, I would remember the heartfelt pity I felt for him as he pushed me away and what I thought (at the time) would be pure & perfect romantic bliss (a youthful miscalculation). However, I find myself now, almost exactly as he was then. By trying so hard to understand how he must of felt when that 'claustrophobic reality of relationship responsibility set in', I ended up making myself into exactly what I pitied so much then. My desire to get to know someone (romantically) is fearfully fleeting at best and utterly undesirable at worst. The novelty and excitement of exploring a new person's personality gets shorter and shorter with each new contestant. More out of fear than actual confusion. I truly want to care for someone deeply but I just can't, not for long anyway. Ironically, the total lack of interest and my horribly (seemingly) emotionless indifference makes me so sad, that I want to cry every time I think about it. What's wrong with me? Why am I always running away? Why can't I again feel that same deeply penetrating love that consumed me so in my early twenties? It's a confusing conundrum that invokes deep feelings/emotions in me only because I can't allow myself to feel deeply for anyone again. The confusion is only multiplied by the fact that my life is so full and fun in every other area. Am I nothing more than a partying Fem-Bot that can never (again) feel deep love for a romantic partner? Am I broken and not worth repairing? Is this just an elusive 30-Something Phase that will be almost forgotten when "The One" whisks me away to Happily Ever After? The desire to want to want to love, is making me so upset that I'm getting pains in my stomach, back and head. Seriously, I feel like I could benefit from medical & mental hospitalization or maybe a few quiet nights in a padded room with strong meds and shock treatment. Hey, whatever it takes.
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