Originally posted on August 12, 2010
Current mood: tested
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
This won't be a sugary sweet inspirational entry I'm afraid. I'm just gonna be raw and real and tell you I have some next level shit going on in my personal life right now, that I can't/won't be specific about. Let's just say it was the aftermath of The Perfect Storm that had probably been brewing, in one way or another, for several years now. Last night, everything bubbled over and as a result, things crossed over into some pretty scary territory. As horrible as it was/is, there are folks out there that have it much worse than me, so I'll try not to act like some whiney bitch that doesn’t have a clue. I'll just write and release okay? /
A few of days ago, Sis & I had a nice visit with a lovely older couple in our neighborhood with whom we had a series of conversations regarding some quality of life improvements Sis & I are planning to make. The advice-littered conversations ranged from tangible to intangible topics like lumber, air conditioners, EPA regulations, love, faith and spirituality...just to name a few. (Yes, THAT broad.) For me personally, unsolicited advice usually produces an automatic gut-reaction in which I dismissively think to myself, Yeah okay. Right. Whatever. Though some of their advice was in relation to some personal issues they didn't have complete knowledge of, the depth of their sincerity was without question. The more I listened to them, the more I began to see how some of what they were saying would definitely apply to some other mildly disappointing areas of my life. They talked about humbling yourself before you can ascend to the next level of enlightenment (my words, their meaning). Truthfully, I feel like I'm already one of the humblest folks around. Not only that, I gorge myself on a daily diet of humble pie which makes for a very tight fit in my Humble© brand underwear. However, I suppose there's always room for improvement, just not in my underwear.
The more they talked, the more I started seeing little areas of my life that needed improvement. I even knew where I needed to start. My most disappointing area of concentration right now seems to remain that old, recurring, painful emotional blister. [Drum roll please.] Yep, you guessed it; Relationships. Whether it was your fault or the other person's, there's nothing more humbling than a relationship you trusted in, that just didn't work out. Whether romantic, familial or platonic, a relationship failure is a sobering experience. To be frank, I've been struggling with some painful realizations in more than one category of relationship recently. The more I listened to the lovely older couple, the more I could see little things I could do to get myself back on the track to relationship bliss. And understand, my idea of "relationship bliss" has nothing to do with simply reconciling relationships, it has to do with reconciling your own feelings so you're open to the good things you don't see coming. Reconciling useless relationships is as beneficial as putting a Band-Aid© on a brain tumor. Some relationships, even historically significant ones, sometime require complete and utter abandonment in order for you to heal yourself completely. Note to self: I can't control anyone other than myself but I won't allow others' negativity to control and color how I conduct my life. So there.
Though some seem unconvinced, I'm a very loving person that tries to conduct myself in a positive/respectful way, sometimes with abysmal success...but I try. The harder I examined my own feelings and what they were ominously developing into, I could see I was harboring a tremendous amount of hate. I've always gotten a bad rap but I'm not at all a hateful person. I'd just allowed myself to be controlled by people that cared for themselves first and foremost, to the absolute detriment of everyone else around them. When you get that enough, you start feeling and acting a little resentful. I started to see that I'd let myself become a bit jaded and critically cynical of the human condition. Harboring hate, becoming jaded and being critically cynical of the human condition are all negatives in my book and those things are not at all in my true nature. I'm sure my (some times) intense personality, my (most times) razor-sharp tongue and my (rarely ever) seemingly unconcerned manner can come off as "hard" and "flighty" to people that don't know me well. Actually, I could probably work harder at improving on my delivery sometimes. Thankfully, improving on my delivery is squarely within my control but I'm sailing off subject a bit now. Delivery aside, I know I have to let this hate go because my heart♥ isn't built for holding it. Besides, if I let my heart stay filled to capacity with hate, how is happiness ever going to be able to take up residency there? Exactly. See how smart you are?
It also occurred to me how much we let others control us; From the deeply disappointing hurt we feel from the broken heart handed to us by that self-centered butt-hair we allowed to put us through tumultuous changes , all the way through to the anger we feel from road rage-worthy azzhole that refuses to move over to either of the *two* empty lanes next him when he knows we have only *one* measly lane to enter the highway on. We let so many people control us and we don't even realize it. Everywhere I look, someone somewhere is pulling my marionette strings and I just weakly surrender all control to them. Sometimes I feel sorely manipulated, taken for granted, dismissed, angered and hurt but that's not the end of this story. Message is; All of this, this life, these experiences, these feelings, whether good or bad, are a series of exams designed to "test" our resolve. Some people are just never gonna get it, no matter how hard you try to reason with them. Dealing with those types yields two paths; ¹You can either deal with all their absurd bullshit OR ²you can take them with a grain of salt, pray that sanity & serenity releases them from their ridiculous ways and move yourself on to better things. Yeah, I like that second one better too.
Go ahead, kick me, punch me, pull my hair and see me come out on the other side looking gorgeous and completely unfettered. Rage and resentment promote premature aging and I plan on being a stone cold fox until I'm buried in a box. Seriously folks, life only truly progresses when we accept the things we can't control and stop being mad about it. Be controlled or control yourself, the never-ending Life Exam with tons of open-ended answers so plentiful, you can't even write them in the palm of your hand for a little 'extra help'. Oh well. I'm just gonna try to regain/retain calm control over myself and ace all of my Life Exams in hopes of getting some of that nifty extra credit aptly named "happiness". I sure hope I'm a better test-taker now than I was when I was in school. If I'm not, I may seal my fate as the bitter, old, crazy cat lady living in the creepy house at the end of the block with the yard too scary for kids to retrieve their balls from. Though I love the idea of having LOTS of balls, I ain't going out like that! Oh hell naw! I'm way too cool to allow myself to be bitter, creepy, crazy or controlled......well, not "controlled" anyway.
*Ironic After-Blog Update*
(My horoscope for today. I JUST read this after posting this entry.)
There's conflict coming up for you, so be more careful in your interactions with people old or new or somewhere in between. Seen from the right perspective, disagreements can be educational.
Damn, even the stars agree with me!
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