Originally posted on 5/11/2009
Current mood: angsty
Category: Romance and Relationships
After slyly digging
myself out of a romantic relationship hole recently, I find myself right back in
a similar mess (of my own making). 😔 A few months ago, I
stupidly talked myself into spending time with an ex I'd previously been at odds
with. 😠 I'm not exactly sure
why I momentarily (lost my mind and) decided to let him back into my
world. I am sure that I never really gave any serious consideration to
rekindling any kind of romantic relationship though, 🤚🏾 I told him that too.
He seemed content to be friendly and not revisit our ugly past, which sounded
good to me. 👌🏾 However, when I saw
things were getting a bit blurry and confusing, I quickly removed myself from
the situation. I probably could've handled it better at the time, but I felt
that stopping all communication cold turkey was the best
approach. 👍🏾 In the meantime, I'd
intentionally let myself drift farther and farther from the possibly of anything
romantic happening with anybody, anytime soon. For now, I just want to
remain free as a bird and light as feather (as light as my chunky butt
will allow). 😉 I don't want the
heaviness of a (possible) romantic relationship weighing down my life, I
just don't have the stomach for that now. Relationships can be so draining
sometimes because you have to consider the other person in almost everything you
do. 😒 Even the "lightest"
of relationships comes with the responsibility of at least trying not
hurt the other's feelings. I'll revisit romantic options when the time is right.
But now, enjoying life to the fullest was/is my distinct priority. ☺ However, knowing how
callously I severed communication with my ex a few months ago, last Friday I
decided to send him a short text simply asking how he was doing. I knew he'd
been struggling with some personal issues and it goes without saying that I
don't wish bad things on anybody. 😏 Once I did that
though, the flood gates opened and all the frustrations he had with life came
pouring out and down on me. ☹ I have to say it was
incredibly shocking...🤯...and I'm not easily
shocked. I wasn't sure if his personal struggles were affecting him in a way
that made him frighteningly erratic or if the ex I knew him to
be long ago was simply reawakened. 😳 Up until Friday,
he'd impressed me because he suddenly seemed to be this super patient and
charmingly reserved person, not at all like he was when we were together. 🤔 Whatever the reason,
his replies were almost schizophrenic in nature, so much so that I started to
really worry about my personal safety. The texts started off a mite innocent but
then suddenly, he'd get aggressive, insulting and down-right nasty. 😤 After about 3 mean
& nasty texts, he'd send 1 professing how much he cares for me and that he
thinks I should have a deeper connection to him. ♥If I
didn't reply fast enough (like within a minute), he'd send another telling me he
has plenty of women willing to be there for him if I didn't want to. 😐 He'd
send 5 texts before I could answer one. It got so insane that I took a 5 minute
bathroom break to calm down (the texts were coming faster than I could read
them). When I got back to my desk, there were 12 new texts from him. I read
about 4 of them and just put my phone down in utter frustration. 🙄 It was
clear then that something is really wrong with him. And even after all of that
crap from him, I still didn't want to add to his stress but I didn't want him to
unleash all his frustrations on me either. I know different people handle stress
differently, so I wasn't prepared just to call him nuts and be done with it. 😖 But it
didn't seem smart to keep up the texting ping-pong match, so I stopped. During
my 20 minute drive home, he'd left me 17 more texts. 😣 After
I'd gotten home but before I could read any of them, I showed sis my phone and
all of the missed texts, she was understandably astounded. 😯It
didn't stop there either, it only got worse. The messages were fraught with
extreme up & down emotions; 2 nasty texts, 1 sweet, 4 nasty texts, 2 sweet
and the rollercoaster ride continued with reckless abandon. The texts came in
such a steady stream that I was afraid he would short circuit my phone. In an
effort to turn the tide and calm the seas, I simply wrote, “Why
are you mad? Why are we fighting? This all started cause I asked how you were
doing.” In an eerie
about-face, after all the nasty texts oddly intermixed with sporadic
declarations of love, his reply was, “I’m fine how r
u?” Huh? 😳 Where’d that come
from? I replied that I was confused (which I was). Then he started all
over again, several more texts with extreme up & down emotions. 🤦🏾♀️ It was pretty
scary. 😟 After scores and
scores of new texts flooding my phone, I just got utterly pissed off, picked up
my overworked phone and called him. I didn't waste time or mince words. I
sternly told him to stop texting me and that he was getting way out of
control. I told him my only intention in contacting him was to simply
check to see how he was doing and he made me very sorry I did. I told him
"Enough is enough", I begged him
to leave me alone, I apologized for contacting him in the first place and
I even admitted that this mess was all my fault for believing that we would or
could have a civil exchange without all that madness. 🙁 He calmly replies
over and over, "Ok. Ok. Ok." In hindsight, it was pretty creepy but I was
far too angry to process his weirdly monotone response. He didn't text me
again......that night. ☺ Saturday rolls in.
I'm feeling good...until....you know. 😬 Now ordinarily I
would never publish the contents of a person's texts to me but I'm pretty
fucking damn irritated with this whole thing and I have to get it all off my
chest. The saga continues. 😒 His first text,
"Let me know where u gonna be at tonite."
(He knew where I was.) Then another "Did u get my
txt? Are we cool?" I simply reply, "Like
we discussed, it isn't a good idea to hang out anymore. But I hope you have fun
tonight." He replies, "I understand we
cannot hang out but are we seeing each other later on?" (What?! At a
Booty Call hour? Hell NO! Unless it's MY idea 😡)....I don't reply.
He sends another, "Baby can we do something
after?" I don't respond. Honestly, I didn't want to inflame the
situation with my curt brassiness, which I've been known to do. I thought it
best to just not answer him at all. At this point, I just want to 'bury the
hatchet' with him, I just don't want him to bury it in my back. ⛏ If I DON'T wind up
dying or horribly disfigured by him, our fleeting reconnect was worth the
time I put into it. You always want to believe that people can change for the
better but some folks just aren't capable and I think that's worth
confirming. 🔬 I'm sure the
overabundant psycho texts will slowly wane over time. I'll just try to ride out
the storm and be as quiet as a church mouse, which is already a significant
challenge for me. 🤐 Allow me to state
this too; I know I may seem flippant and un-phased by all this but that isn't
so. I suppose by writing how I feel about a possibly harmful scenario, I'm
facing my demons with courage and humor. 😈🥸 (That's what I'm
telling myself anyway.) I'm doing my best to enjoy life while simultaneously
looking over my shoulder and keeping my stun gun at maximum power and ready for
contact. 🔫 I know I shouldn't
obsess about things not within my control, it would futile and a supreme
energy-suck anyway. I don't need that. 🚫 Even as an
ever-increasing frighteningly large number of "normal" men are killing their
ex-girlfriends, estranged wives and their children (plus themselves), I have to
hold out hope that I'll be just fine. I have the upmost confidence things will
end up being good for all deserving parties. 🤨 If I do ultimately
meet with an untimely demise at the hands of a psychotic ex (this one or
another one of the crazies from my past), I know my memoirs will make one
helluva movie. For the record, I want Ang Lee to direct it and Jennifer Hudson
to play me. She’s really cute and I think her voice will marginally
suffice for my karaoke scenes. 🎤
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