Originally posted April 30, 2009 - Thursday
Current mood: bullied
Category: News and Politics
Panic
floods our minds as overzealous news organizations repeatedly and mercilessly
warn us of the dangerously dreaded swine flu. They behave as though we should
liken it to the brutally real life Mad Cow disease or a cinematically fictional
28 Days Later-type zombie-making virus. 🧟♀️ Frankly,
I haven't really invested much stock in the over-blown hysteria being created
all around me. I'm like, 'Whatever,
dude. You can go right ahead and hysterically run around in circles at this
ridiculousness if you want'. 🥱 I'll
save my ridiculously hysterical circle running for something a bit more dire,
like skin-dissolving chemical warfare or the cancellation of The Ultimate
Fighter. 😳 Then I
hear that schools in the Fort Worth ISD are shutting school down at least
until May 11, 2009. Oh great, as if having to deal with snotty-nosed little kids
and pimply-faced teenagers on just the weekends wasn't bad enough. 😒 But
then I start to wonder, 'Maybe
this is more serious than I thought'. 🤔 Thankfully, I'm already a chronic hand-washer and germaphobe. Regular old,
run-of-the-mill, everyday People Cooties have me scared enough as it is. 🤧 Then I
start to think, maybe this possible pandemic has been cleverly conceived
by terrorists as a ruse to distract us while they poison our water supply. 🤢 Hmmm...makes
you think don't it? 😳 Okay,
maybe that conspiracy theory is a little too dramatic but so are the
antics we're allowing ourselves to be influenced by. In the post 911
Era, we all know that mind-blowing stuff is most certainly possible...but
folks, this ain't that. 🤚🏾 I pull
up CNN.com and see a huge "Breaking News" bulletin at the top of the page
warning that the number of confirmed cases of swine flu has 'skyrocketed' to 236
worldwide! 236! WORLDWIDE! 🤦🏾♀️ Dude,
the Earth's population is estimated to be about 6.77 billion. Let me repeat
that, 236 out of 6,077,000,000 people! I don't know
about you but I like those odds. 👍🏾 I'm all
for being prepared but please people, get some perspective! It's good to be
cautious but let's keep our wits about us okay? 😌 Man,
it would really suck if I were the first American citizen (and full time
resident) to die from swine flu right after writing this. The positive side of
being the first American swine flu fatality after this ironically morbid entry,
is a universally famous blog and a possible book or movie deal for my family.
See? There's always a bright side. 😁 To tell
you the truth, I'm not in a blogging mood today. But after being mentally beaten
over the head ruthlessly and tirelessly by every conceivable news source or
etc...I just had to release some of my frustration. 😤 Minutes
after reading a special company news bulletin about The World
Health Organization's decision to raise it's global alert for the
H1N1 swine flu, I came across a fabulous article in Quick magazine. It
was perfect timing. Right at the moment I wanted to scream, I laughed
instead. 🤣 In
fact, that article is the main reason for this entry. I wished I could take
credit for this cleverly written literary jewel but I have to give credit where
credit is due. And for 'Quick-less' ChaunyBaby blog readers outside the
DFW area, I'll post an excerpt of his article here.
These are Gordon Keith's 'Helpful Tips in These Swine Times'
1. Avoid pigs that are coughing and apologizing.
2. Don't shake hands with farmers. Dap instead.
3. Be suspicious of a pig that has neglected to wipe down his weight
bench.
4. Although you can't get swine flu from eating pork, don't eat pork if a
guy with swine flu has just sneezed on it.
5. Don't have unprotected sex with a pig.
6. Use alcohol-based hand sanitizers on bacon strips before eating.
7. Don't have sex with a pig at all.
8. Drink plenty of fluids, but not bodily fluids.
9. Avoid spiders that write words in their webs. Pigs are nearby.
10. Turn off the television.
Thanks Gordon, you just wrote a cotton-picking mouthful! ✔ Now pass me that platter of bacon wrapped pork sausage on a bed of pan seared ham steaks topped with slow-smoked pulled pork. 🐷🐖🐽🍖🥓
‡ Gordon Keith writes for Dallas Morning News' weekly magazine Quick Entertainment and QUICKDFW.com, based in Dallas, Texas.‡
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