Originally posted on 7/20/2010
Current mood: cooky/wacky
Category: Life
I don't have much to offer today but I'd feel neglectful and derelict in my duties if I didn't write something. Since I suffer from (self-diagnosed) chronically severe RTO (Random Thought Overload) , I thought writing a few of them down, would help alleviate the immense pressure on my brain. So, here it goes...
° I can't stand loud, high-energy, overly-happy/enthusiastic people, especially early in the morning. Their obnoxiously "cheerful" attitude makes me want to stand on their necks and push down with all my weight...and I'm not exactly petite.
° I believe tampons are evil.
° Good ham makes me freakishly happy. Just this morning in fact, I saw the last bit of my favorite (packaged) ham at work was expired but I ate it any. I just couldn't bear to throw it away. I stand by the statement; Microwaves kill ALL harmful food bacteria. However, I completely deny/retract that statement if I'm rushed to the hospital tonight to have my stomach pumped.
° Boring babies
make me fear motherhood.
° I don't weigh myself anymore. The only time I step on a scale, is at the doctor's office but only after insisting the nurse not speak that 'weighty' number out loud. Besides, my way of monitoring my weight is much better. I stick my finger in my bellybutton to see how much of my fingernail is exposed. If it completely disappears, I know it's time for 'dietary restructuring'. Thank goodness I don't have an "outie".
° Psychologically, I’m a hermaphrodite, trapped inside a little boy, trapped inside a grown women’s body. (Wrap your head around that one.)
° Courtesy flushes promote a great work environment.
° I hate surprises (intended for me), "good" or bad. You may think you're doing a great thing by planning a surprise party and tricking me into going someplace where all my long, lost friends are anxiously awaiting my arrival. I may walk in and think to myself, 'Damn, I thought I got rid of that bitch'.
° I've never been able to snap my fingers on my left hand and I think my ordinarily robust self-image suffers because of it.
° I derive an unnaturally large amount of pleasure from picking my nose and finding the biggest and brightest my nostrils have to offer. It's about the reward of the hunt. Don't worry though, I ALWAYS wash my hands IMMEDIATELY afterwards. See what happens when you don't get "it" enough?
° If each Kraft Single® has a cup of milk in every slice, why is it still considered a 'processed cheese product' and not real cheese?
° I think it's completely barbaric to hunt for sport, cook live seafood or shake hands with strangers. Obviously those things are not equal in their degree of barbarity. I mean really, how do I know where your hands have been? (See the "booger" entry two entries above.)
° Physical exercise can kiss my ample azz.
° Combining each "visit" together, I wonder how many days, weeks or months of my life I've wasted using the bathroom?
° I think porn is vile and disgusting. On the other hand, I like to watch it sometimes and I think it may just be the key to world peace.
° I'd rather be ugly and interesting than beautiful and boring. Wait…no, I wrote that wrong. I meant to write; I'd rather be beautiful and interesting. People that are ugly and/or boring SUCK!
° I'm wondering when people will start blaming Obama for the sky being too blue and for rain being too wet. I also wonder when they're going to start claiming that he's racially-biased because he likes the night-time.
° If a dog licks a...um...° Can two sheep make...uh...hold on…dang! What was it I was just thinking? ° Oh yeah, people that smell like sweaty gym socks…..??????...oh hell, never mind.
[Stop,
and take deep breath.]
In the interest of my own mental health, I'd better stop here. I'm getting another RTO headache. Anyway, look for a Random Thought Overload support group coming near you soon! I love bacon so much, I want to rub it behind my ears. Oops, sorry...[relapse ]...The End.
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