Originally posted on Mon 12/19/2008, 5:11 AM
Current mood: understimulated
Category: Romance and Relationships
At work today, I just sat at my desk with my headphones on while I steadily shoved (sugar free) Fudged Dipped Mint cookies into my face, one right after the other. I know I completely nullified the advantage of eating ‘sugar free’ with the calorie intake/ sheer number of cookies I ate today. I also polished off my box of irregular Cheez-Its which were clearly at a close-out store because somebody used too much Orange Dye #5. These irregular Cheez-Its were almost red instead of their normal orange color but that didn’t take anything away from their scrumptious deliciousness. 😋 You think I stopped there? Hell NO! I also enjoyed creamy sugar free chocolate pudding made with real milk. Need I remind you of my lactose intolerance? I intentionally ate it knowing I’d be sitting at my desk for the rest of the afternoon with enough gas to power a medium-sized hot air balloon. 🌬 For some reason, I was/ am feeling a little pathetic and helpless. 😞 You ever notice how quickly things can seem to go South? I had a great night this past Wednesday. I got most of my life frustrations out on the karaoke stage, I even got to be first to sing. I slowly swayed side-to-side as I crooned my very favorite karaoke tune; Garth Brooks’ Shameless. I’m not at all a good singer but I think I win karaoke audiences over with my enthusiasm, passion and willingness to be “shameless”. After my song, a tall cutie even came to our table and asked if we were “The Sisters”, a nickname the karaoke DJ had given Sis & I after our many animated performances. The tall cutie saw us there at our Holiday Karaoke party the week before. It’s nice to be recognized not necessarily for your nonexistent musical talent, but for your talent for having fun. Sis & I have not only mastered the fine art of having fun, it is our religion. 🥳 For me, the charm of karaoke (for the musically talentless) is simple. There is something very addictive about having the complete attention of perfect strangers that you wouldn’t necessarily ever have any interactions with in regular life, at least for the length of a song. I especially like that song (Shameless) because of what he’s singing about. He’s telling his love that he’ll do anything for her, be pitiful and vulnerable just to be with her. He’s assuring her that he believes that there is no other woman on Earth that is her equal. He wants her to know that he knows her worth. 😌 Her love is so good to him that he doesn’t care what anybody else thinks, he wants to be with her completely. Shameless has basically the same message as Bill Wither’s song Use Me. (An all time classic) While I personally wouldn’t be attracted to a guy that let me profusely verbally or physically abuse him (just a little abuse), there is something intoxicating about a man that feels that you’re so extraordinary that he is completely bewitched by you. 😍 I would definitely say that the men that I (eventually) fell hardest for, were those that demonstrated to me that I was well ‘worth the trouble’ in the beginning. And those men dealt with an angrier, violent and much more insecure Chauny. 🥺 Unfortunately, when I allowed myself to bask in the glory of being someone’s everything, I became poisoned by it. It was then, that I let the balance of power shift drastically out of my favor. Shortly thereafter, those obsessively passionate relationships seemed to plunge to the murky depths of despair. 😫 (I just love that expression.) I freely gave up my power (not permanently-it seems many years later). Those relationships weren’t healthy but they sure were fun…in a sick kind of way. 🤢 I’m much stronger and less equipped to be a tortured soul now but I’m also never truly content with anyone. I’m thinking I might need that type of deep devotion from someone to ever feel deeply for anyone ever again. I’ve just realized that might be the missing ingredient in all my latest ‘love’ affairs. It’s possible that those I’ve fallen out of favor with, may have cared for me more than they were comfortable with me knowing. But if you act like you can take or leave me, well, you already know my response to that. Peace! ✌🏾 I admit that I want to bewitch someone; mind, body and soul. 💘 I want somebody to not only appreciate my large cartoonish physical features but dream about them day and night. 👀 I want to be the reason for many sleepless nights in fact. I want to feel that someone thinks I’m well worth the trouble. After all, I am. 😁 This, coming from a woman who’s subconscious mind likened her vagina to a beacon of light. 🌟 While I don’t think I’m wrong about believing that I’m worth the trouble, I do accept that my perception may be a little skewed. 🙄 Nobody's perfect, not even me.
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