Originally posted March 17, 2009
Current mood: confused
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Can you get sick from eating expired
pretzels? They tasted a bit “off” but not enough to stop eating them. (I needed
a quick carb fix.) I’d always thought of pretzels as having the same shelf life
as say, dried pasta. Basically; Good until it disintegrates. To me,
unlike milk, pretzels were one of those (really) non-perishable ‘perishable’
food items that kept going long after the conservative expiration date
implied. My frequent
trips to the restroom today have me rethinking that theory though. Each restroom
trip was worse than the one before it since very few businesses budget for the
ultra soft toilet tissue. Comfortable and expensive toilet tissue doesn’t make
good business sense and my employer makes darned good business
sense! Sandpaper-like toilet tissue is a small price to pay for gainful
employment. On another
positive note, having all that toilet time prompted me to think about a
lot of non-toilet related issues like; when the economic crisis will end, what
will I have for dinner and who my next lover will be….among other answers to
highly prized mysteries/questions. Sitting there, I
also wondered if my free-spirited nature will ever be truly satisfied by the
mediocrity of the cookie cutter American Dream. Or, will I always be searching for
freedom and happiness in things and people not available to me. Sometimes I feel
like one of those people that are always meant to aimlessly wander the earth,
like a George Romero-like zombie. Only my life as
“the undead” would not be infectious through disgusting viral bites but through
my extraordinary life experiences. My sacrifice will lead to the education of
the masses and the betterment of all humankind. Despite my
scattered, sometimes disturbing ramblings here, I’m rather easy to please
overall but I don’t think that comes across to potential friends and romantic
possibilities. I think I come across as difficult to understand, hard to pin
down and tragically aloof. I don’t think I
come across as the emotional, considerate and loving person I really
am. However, I will
never know what someone truly thinks about me until I’m given unfettered access
to all their thoughts, which is unlikely to happen unless I’m right about the
existence & abilities of extraterrestrials. Until then, I’ll
have to do the best I can with what I have. I’m okay with that because my path
is incredibly noble. I am the
maternal messenger, the student of life and the queen’s royal food-taster sent
to spread and teach my findings to avoid someone else suffering one (or many) of
my missteps. I am the eternal optimist commissioned to rid the world of
unnecessary stupidity. I’m not evil, I’m good. In the words of
the great Jessica Rabbit, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.”
AND after writing all this, I’ve just
discovered something else important about myself…I am also delusional and
delirious! I mean, what the
hell am I 'talking' about here? I'm not making a damn bit of
sense! After reviewing
my literary diarrhea here and recalling my actual diarrhea in the
restroom today, the closing of this entry seems embarrassingly simple. My newest
teaching, my most recent gift to the world, my latest message to the masses in
accordance with ridding the world of unnecessary stupidity is this;
♦On March 17th 2009, don’t eat pretzels that expired on September 14th 2005♦
♦On March 17th 2009, don’t eat pretzels that expired on September 14th 2005♦
°(Jessica
Rabbit character quote from the 1988 film, Who Framed Roger
Rabbit?)°
No comments:
Post a Comment