Originally posted on August 7, 2009
Current mood: uncomfortable
Category: Romance and Relationships
As I deal with the
gut-churning fear of emotional exposure, I'm reminded of just how little of
myself I'm willing to give usually. I try to be unfettered, unconcerned and
un-phased but that isn't always reality is it? I hate wondering how things will
end up. 😖 I hate wondering how
things will progress or if they will progress at all. I hate caring. I hate
risking getting my face cracked wide open. 😬 With love relationships, I hate uncertainty. 🤔 On the other hand, the idea of (safe) uncertainly, in
regular life dealings, is an almost exuberant feeling to me. 😁 How can one person
feel so different about the same thing? 🎭 Even in the
premature, slightly infatuated stages, the initial pangs of jealously,
unrealistic possessive tendencies and unhealthy co-dependency rear their ugly
heads. 😡 I don't want to be
"that chick"...not ever again.
I've come so far but sadly (and happily), not to the point of no return. Truth
is, I want to hate love. I want to hate being "♥in love♥", especially when
considering the pricey possibility of getting my heart stomped to bloody
sludge. 💔 I want to hate being needed. I want to hate
needing someone. I want to hate storybook romance...but I just
can't. 😐 I want to be the
unemotional free spirit but I'm only her 82% of the time...well,
maybe 52% of the time. 😉 Damn. 🤬 The very worst part of it is having to depend on someone else
to "enhance" my happiness. That's a lot of personal power to give up to someone
else, especially for a power-obsessed power monger like me. 💪🏾 Honestly, I'm only power-obsessed when it comes to my own
emotions. After all, they belong to me...alone.🧍🏾♀️So to help curtail my almost completely vertical emotional
downward spiral, plummeting to the earth at an alarming rate, I turn off my
phone for a full day plus 🕰 and attempt to collect myself. After that, I sit down and
have a motivational talk with myself. (Hypothetically
speaking.) I tell myself that I'm responsible for my own feelings;
happy, sad, mad and every immeasurable emotion in between. I
control whether I let someone take a part of me that I can't get back. 🥺 I'm the absolute controller and lone pilot of
my emotional destiny. ☝🏾 I've persevered through the relationship good, bad and ugly
(Hypothetically AND physically speaking 😝). And it's true too.
So if I know all that...if I truly believe all that, what am I so scared of?
Being hurt? Being embarrassed? Being ignored? Heck yeah, all of that stuff
terrifies me! 😬 And there lies 'the
rub', the cruel reality; I risk a little but I might gain more or I risk a lot
and lose more...much more, including my house, car and dog. 😠 Who tha hell knows!? Who tha hell could!? I'm still flying blind but I have a great emotional sense of
direction (these days) or at least that's
what I'm telling myself. I'm sure all will be revealed soon or at least more
than I know right now. I'm ready. I am. (I think.) 🥴 I'm ready to soar with the clouds in ridiculous
storybook-like happiness or go
"SPLAT!" from a 55 story
building with grotesque & gory movie-like disappointment. 😵 Either way, I'll
learn something important on my journey to becoming a better woman. 💋 With people living longer these days, I may get to live out
my Golden
Years with amazing
philosophical and emotional clarity. It sure would be a shame to gain all that
clarity and then suddenly die from an ironic accident, like profuse bleeding from a severe paper cut due to opening
love letters. 📬 That would suck! But truthfully, I'm even ready for that
too. (I think.) We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you posted, unless I'm too
depressed to type. 😭 I'll set up my video camera just in case. 📸
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