Originally posted 4/2/2009
Current mood: weird
Category: Life
As the
excitement of another annual trip to The Texas Relays draws near (arguable
Texas’ biggest track meet), I have so many unpleasant things on my mind
right now. I want to
simply block all unpleasantness out of my mind and focus on only good things,
but that’s an unrealistic goal I’m afraid. Even for me. My obsession with
picture-taking seems to have morphed into video-making. Mainly, my somewhat
self-centered short reality ‘films’ are just moving pictures of my life and
those around me that I love. That may be an
interesting subject to you, but I find myself absolutely fascinating. Granted, I
may not be wrapped too tight mentally but I’m certain my good points overshadow
my bad ones and if not, the better the video. That’s a silver-lining I
didn’t appreciate until just now. Anyway,
obsessive picture-taking or video-making are still healthier avenues than
say….crack-smoking. See how positive people always find the
silver-lining? Well, that
gift of positivity was definitely put to the test this week. To my horror,
Monday surprise layoffs occurred in which I saw several co-workers that I
considered good friends with my 12 years plus employment tenor, were
unexpectedly sacked. I had no idea
what was going on until I received a frantic email from a co-worker, with the
subject line simply reading ‘OMG’, telling me that as she wrote that
email to me, people around her (in our department-on another floor) were being
called in and walked out with their box full of office trinkets. No warning at
all. The shock sped through our whole department as we compared notes on those
that we confirmed were given their pink slips. I don’t know
why these particular people were selected but I knew that some of them were
superior agents, from my dealings with them anyway. In a
self-absorbed but expected moment, I started to worry about my own situation,
and thanked God in heaven that I’m really only responsible for myself (and sis)
but realistically, sis could comfortably support us both. (Don’t tell her I
said that.) Again, there’s that silver-lining I wrote about earlier,
two cases of it in fact. But the
Shock and Awe of the event left many of us speechless, frightened and
realistic about company and government economics. However at the end of it all,
I survived to fight another day. Though as it was going on, I’d visualized
myself visibly horizontal as several security officers forcibly pulling on both
my legs as I held on to my desk for dear life. Thankfully, it didn’t
come to that. And with a small measure of release and large measure of relief,
I’m still gainfully employed. On a much
smaller severity scale, my not-so-subtle attempts to disentangle myself from
The Ex That Would Not Die, (metaphorically) I find
myself in much the same position I was in before. Kinda stuck in
stasis. I don’t want
to pursue anything romantic with him but I also don’t want him throw battery
acid & gasoline on me and set me on fire either. I’m convinced
a delicate balance can be found, though I haven’t yet found it. I know I will
though. (Another silver-lining moment). The Ex and I even argued
(slightly) late Sunday night. So, I cowardly took that event as my much awaited
exit plan but it was not to be. He’s very much
committed to winning the battle (of my heart) but he doesn’t
fully appreciate how strong my resolve is. Or he does realize and is choosing to
proceed despite the odds. Astrologically, he’s a Sagittarius Sun/ Scorpio Moon
(Capricorn Venus) and my research has suggested that these types of men have
huge reserves of will power and determination. So my adamant
protests have fallen on willfully deaf ears. I’m beginning to think that my
astrology research is correct, he may win the “battle” (so to ‘speak’) but bet
your bottom dollar, I’ll win the war. In case you
didn’t know, my femininely ferocious
will is a force to be reckon
with. And yet another silver-lining emerges without coaxing. Well, I guess
I'll wrap up here since I didn’t really have anything particularly spicy to share,
it was just time to ‘check-in.’ If I don’t write something every now and again,
my brain goes a little stir crazy. I’m smart
enough to know that just as the color of my pee boldly tells to me that
I need to drink more water, I also realize that a creative release, whether
editorial, pictorial or motion-pictorial is necessary to keep the merciless
& malicious mental monkeys away. You have your
way of staying sane, I have mine. At least my way invites you into the
head of a creatively deranged woman, as you thank God you’re not as screwed up
as I am. That could be
your silver-lining.
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