Originally posted on January 13, 2009
Current mood: rejuvenated
Category: Romance and Relationships
Despite my Elephant Man-like eye swelling from excessive crying last night, I feel good energy coursing through my veins with remarkable clarity today. I’m exhausted and incoherent but I feel immersed in the good vibes The Universe was kind enough to send my way. Not that there weren’t times this weekend that some tried to sucker punch me with vile words, unkind attitudes and general nastiness but I felt pity, not anger, toward them. Unhappy people can infect happy people with their negativity if you allow them to. I can quite effectively infect myself with negativity, I don’t need to ingest the germy negativity of others too. I’ve continued my pursuit of cutting what no longer works for me. I’ve been reevaluating all my relationships. The vital questions with regard to the relationship reevaluation include the following; Are you taking more than you give? Are you more trouble than you’re worth? Are we progressing together in a positive manner? Are you always negative and miserable? Is it always left to me to entertain you and your needs while you don’t reciprocate? Those energy-sucking violators are getting severed clean. I think I’m unknowingly exhausting my emotional well-being by placating associations that don’t benefit me but actually zap away a good deal of my energy. I needed to start from scratch to gain precious insight on my what next move(s) should be. So last week, I asked sis if we could do something different over the weekend (Friday). I wanted to be surrounded by new faces. I suggested a place in the metro-plex that wasn’t close to where we live and unfamiliar. She improved on my idea by suggesting we get a hotel room so we could chill and be to ourselves. Excellent! Our trek to our get-away went smooth as silk. The suite was absolutely beautiful and the staff was the kind of nice you see in movies. Sis picked that hotel in particular because of the customer reviews she read online (we cancelled a hotel reservation that was much closer to the nightspot but the customer reviews were terrible.) I’d gotten off early Friday to run some errands before our departure but sis worked all the way up till time to go. She was understandably starving but to our delight, there was an Outback Steakhouse practically in our hotel’s parking lot. So, we ordered take-out and went up to our room to chill before our night out. It was fabulous, just me and my favorite girl. Fast forward, we hung out that night, had a beautiful hotel breakfast, went back upstairs and slept right up until check-out time. It had been a really long time since I’d been that relaxed away from home. I brought my laptop but didn’t turn on the TV once in the hotel, which is extremely unusual for me. The weekend began beautifully. At the last minute, we decided to go to our usual nightspot Saturday since we love a lot of the people there. It would be a nice ‘The Sisters’ only night like in the old days, just the two of us. Then, a friend showed up that I wasn’t expecting to see and truthfully, I didn’t know how to feel about it at first. She hugs us both and quickly asks, “Okay, which one of you is The Sun and which is The Moon?” She knows that sis is a Leo (which rules The Sun) and that I’m a Cancer (which rules The Moon). I tell her who’s who and she takes 2 little angel magnets out of her purse wrapped in pretty pink paper, one with a sun and the other with a moon and hands them to each of us. She said she found a set of three and she kept the angel magnet with the star because she considers herself a sister too. How sweet is that? Remember my questions for reevaluating my relationships? While it’s not at all about getting gifts from people, it showed that she wanted us to know how much she loves us and appreciates our friendship/sistership. And thinking back on all the times she’s come to our get-togethers, she always brings something (without being asked to) and is always helpful and committed to making things easier for us. Like me, she’s a giver-not a taker. Those kind of people are very easy to give to and it is sincerely one of my greatest pleasures in life to do things for people like that. Clearly, she’s a keeper. Our best girl Pam is like that too. She lets sis and I dance and act a fool while she takes it upon herself to get the camera out and take pictures, so the task isn’t just left to us. She lets us get hammered, gathers up all our belongings and let’s us crash at her house while she runs around after us like the mother of two bad little kids that get into everything. Our bad behavior has included running outside her place in only underwear and heels then trying to climb a tree, rolling off her bed and into her blinds while violently sending her remote controls to origins they’ve probably never been to before and just generally being an intoxicated pain in the azz. I’d trust her with my deepest secrets and everything I own...including all my bank card PIN numbers. I’d even trust her with my life…now that’s love! She’s a very rare breed indeed. Honestly, she is one of our oldest and dearest friends. She’s a big time giver (to everyone) which keeps her squarely in ‘The Keeper’ category without question. My boy Tahiti is another one of those rare friends that you want to always be in your life. He’s ridiculously talented, infinitely kind and very sensitive to the plight of others. He’s one of those people that never gossips or talks bad about people behind their backs (no matter how hard I try to get him to). He always tries to see the good in people, even when it seems impossible. He’s generous with compliments, his creativity and his time. Like me, I think he sometimes gets exhausted with everyone else’s demands on his time and attention but he doesn’t let that stuff turn him into a bad-natured butthole. He may not remember this, but MANY years ago (like 15 years) when I was a manager at a music store, he gave sis & I our very first, super nice CD player (which we still have). At the time, I had about 30 CDs but nothing to play them on. We needed it, he had it, so he didn’t think twice about giving it to us and we didn't even ask him for it. I’ll never forget that. It was one of the many, lovely stand-out moments in my life with him. Another Keeper…most definitely. I’m confident there are more relationship gems out there, it’ll just take some time to carefully sift through all the pertinent information. Here’s to a new year of rediscovering all the good stuff (and people) in my life! After weeks of texts only, I finally talked to my ex face-to-face this weekend. Even though we were knowingly under the same roof most of that night, we texted back and forth until I bravely approached him. I think he was afraid to approach me because he wasn’t sure if I was serious about having no ill feelings toward him. His nervousness was apparent as he scratched several times after my arrival at his pool table, in a game he was winning before my interruption. (His friend couldn’t wait to tell me that.) The conversation was light and a little uneasy (for him). I didn’t have any ill will or bad intentions, so things flowed smoothly for me. Frankly, I’m not sure we could be any more than "platonically" friendly at this point. I think too much time has passed and I don’t want our re-connection to be tainted by more relationship “issues.” When it’s all said and done, he’s a cool dude. Why else would I have been attracted to him in the first place? I want to continue to feel good about him after feeling bad about him for so long. I’m very impressed with his patience and his hands-off approach to personal areas of my life now. Sis says our break-up was a wake-up call for him and I believe it was. Trouble is, it was for me too, so that may just be the end of our romantic endeavor together. But who knows, stranger things have happened. Feeling so free and light can also impair your judgment with regard to properly-set boundaries. I’d seriously thought and fantasized about the possibility of reconnecting with a past partner, at least on a physical level. However, it wasn’t long before my playful & honest banter was met with their toxicity. I’d forgotten, or chosen to ignore, how badly some of those exchanges with them were. That stuff is better left in the past I think. Hopefully over time, we’ll pick out and keep only the good memories. While I think I have a penchant for attracting overly sensitive, short-sighted and self-absorbed men, I still believe their insides are much more attractive than what they want to show me. I can’t imagine why in the world that is though. There is a sweet kindness at the core of some of them that gets crushed by their selfish and angry exterior, which is no doubt fueled by their own insecurity. I can see the goodness ‘inside’ someone all I want, but the exterior has to be accepted too. I’m just not willing to accept all that mess because I don’t have to. I want to be at peace with someone. Walking on eggshells around them, arguing constantly and dealing with them on their terms only is not remotely appealing to me. I would never name names but the culprits know who they are. Ironically, these are the very areas of concentration my ex has improved on most. Go figure. I think The Universe constantly blesses me with good stuff because I’m an extremely loving and empathetic person. I try to treat people like I want to be treated. I don’t always succeed, but I try imagine myself in someone else’s shoes before I act or react. And aside from my chronic bouts of foul-mouthed road rage, I think I’ve done a good job of treating people with respect and understanding. Clearly, I’m still a work in progress on that front though. Last night, I cried profusely as I watched a couple of new episodes of Intervention. That, coupled with being up late and regular morning swelling, I looked like somebody socked me in both eyes for most of the workday. I didn’t let my ghoulish appearance keep me from distributing the super cute key chains I found yesterday in all my co-worker’s favorite colors. No special occasion, it’s just rare that I find that many similar items in all of our ‘designated’ colors at work. (I’m green of course) I think their gratitude kept them from asking me why I looked like Rocky Balboa in the last round of his bout with Apollo Creed. Last night I cried so hard when I thought about the profound sadness these people felt and how that led them to their addictions. It broke my heart. It tore me up inside. I hate to think about the suffering of some people. It really messes me up. People deal with depression and sadness in different ways. I try to remember that when someone I care about lashes out at me in anger. I also try my best to apologize to people I love when I lash out at them in anger. No excuses, just sincere apologies and reassurances that I’ll try my best to watch my tongue when I’m feeling low next time. I’m not trying to act all ‘Susie Sunshine’ but I cried just as hard during Intervention when these same people were able to triumph over their addictions and depression. It filled me up with unspeakable happiness, so much so that the waterworks continued in a steady stream from sad to glad. I only wish good things for people. I want deserving people to be infinitely happy with life. I am, for the most part. Sure, the occasional bitter word or action from me is meant to sting but I definitely believe that most of me is all about love, being positive and being good to my fellow man. I think that’s why The Universe continuously cocoons me in her good graces. You get what you give after all. By the way, that reference was relayed to me more than once today, from completely different and unrelated sources...AFTER I wrote that line! (Weird huh?) I was gonna title this entry; Fuck You, I'm Blessed! But that title seemed inappropriate after those ironic instances...but that particular collection of words would probably always be inappropriate. My world is far from perfect but it’s as close as it can be sometimes. Just like me.
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