Originally posted on 10/20/2009
Current mood: cynical
Category: Life
As the steadily
mounting mound of errands multiply, I'm trying to stay positive. With so much to
do, in so little time, my rude receptors are in full force nowadays. I'm trying to bite my tongue on all the spontaneously snide
remarks I'm tempted to make to folks...especially the innocent ones. Close relatives aren't even immune. As great as we get
along, Sis & I have been engaging in a steady stream of stress-related
sibling sniping recently. Thankfully, our relationship is healthy enough to not
let the negativity take too strong a hold. Frequently, after trading brutal
barbs to one another, the next sentence to each other (about 2 minutes
later) is, "So what are we having for
dinner?" We both understand that we can express our ill feelings
to/about one another without letting it be too much of a time-suck. We both understand that moving on quickly, is usually the
best policy and you can get far more accomplished (paired or solo) when you do.
Negativity is so draining, not that I don't have my fair share of bouts of it.
Not too long ago while waiting for Sis at the Tampa airport,
I remember a cute sistah that stopped in front of me, to quickly put together a
gift bag before meeting her airport ride. (She was on the same plane as me.) My initial
annoyance with her came from her stopping right in front of me, when I'd staked
out the perfect 'remote' area of the terminal to sit and wait. Then, I was even
more annoyed that she was blowing up rubber balloons so close to me, since I
detest rubber balloons. She finished her
quick, airport gift bag (which turned out pretty cute), put on her cute
Florida sunhat, that matched her cute Florida sundress and headed toward what I
thought would be an appreciative recipient of her thoughtful work. I thought to
myself, I bet the person she went through all that trouble for doesn't even
appreciate it or her. I don't want to be
a narcissist but in a way, I saw myself in her. Personally, I
think I'm very thoughtful but rarely appreciated. That might not actually be
true but that's how I feel sometimes. Then in a sudden
turnabout I thought to myself, whoever the person was that she went to such
trouble for, is very blessed to have her, whether or not they
recognize it. I tried not to cling to the dim view...for what? What's my reward
for being a pessimist, early wrinkles? No thanks, I'll
keep my girlish appeal for as long as I can thank you. For years now, I've
tried my very best to be loving and luminous instead of doubtful and dim. I
definitely don't think I was always so willing to 'improve myself for the
better' but I've matured a lot since then. When always trying to see the 'positive' side of things,
some times are harder than others. My fork-tongued, venomous words and actions
make periodic appearances but usually only to the worthy or those unlucky enough
to be around me during my menstrual
cycle. Most recently,
*BEFORE* learning the whole "balloon boy" thing was a hoax, I recalled
telling sis of the story and how disappointed I was in myself for FIRST
believing it was just a stupid publicity stunt. I confessed to her that I was scared I was just a hopeless
cynic. I feared I would always suspiciously suspect folks before first, giving
them the 'benefit of the doubt.' Before and directly after the balloon landed (before the
truth was revealed), I went on to tell her that it must not have been a hoax
because real law enforcement, with real equipment were actively searching for
the boy. And sincerely, I was just really disturbed by my initial, instant gut
reaction to that story. I thought that my cynicism might be the reason nothing
seemed to work out for me in my affective life. I'm always skeptical and unsure
of people. I don't let very many people in, not truly "in". Even so, I
think I'm still very caring and considerate and that ought to count for
something! As we *NOW* know,
the "balloon boy" story was indeed a pointless practical joke. So maybe I should
stick with my instant gut reaction and let The Universe sort out the rest.
Karma is 'The Great Equalizer' anyway, so I'll just
continue to do the best that I can. I can only be me; a cynical optimist. I've learned to appreciate the good and bad in life and
"adjust" accordingly. I think my parents have raised us to be intelligent and
individual, we all have a healthy helping of both thankfully. Their parenting
mantra was, 'Be a good person but do whatever
the fuck you want.' Yep, I
think that's just about right.
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