Category : Romance and Relationships
Blog 24
Way To Go Razor Tongue!
First, an apology and a warning, this is another 'serious' entry. I'm happy to say that despite the last few sentences on my previous blog, I'm still alive! 😁 Truthfully though, I'd been less than enthusiastic about writing because I had a personal issue I was dealing with. To summarize, I hadn't heard from the young guy (I'd been kicking it with) for about 3 weeks. I didn't want to admit it but it was really starting to get to me because I had no idea why he was acting like that (avoiding me). I'd only tried to call him a couple of times in the 3 week period but it was obvious he was very upset with me about something. So, being the creative soul I am, I imagined all the worst case scenarios (death, disease, dismemberment, etc.) as to the reason he decided to drop off the face of the Earth (where I was concerned). I finally got him on the phone yesterday and found out what the problem was. Remember in my Weekend Warrior. I Wish! blog entry where I'd said that my new friend told me he'd passed out from illness but that I didn't give a rat's a*s (and I'm sure he knew it) because I knew he'd actually gotten sick from getting drunk for the TX-OU game? Basically, he told me that when I talked to him that Sunday, I didn't seem concerned about his well being because of the way I reacted when he told me he got sick. He told me that my reaction made him feel uncomfortable (I really did think he was making excuses). 😒Well, as it turns out he was really sick and a doctor officially diagnosed him with the disease I mentioned earlier. In a lame attempt to rebut his admission, I told him that I had no idea he was so 'tender' when it came to sharp words/ reactions. He asked me, "When you say tender, do you mean sensitive?" I confessed that that's exactly what I meant. He told me that he doesn't usually act that way when someone says something to hurt his feelings, he usually doesn't care what anyone thinks, says or does to him and that he really isn't a very emotional person (that's what I sensed in him too). But this time (he went on to say), for whatever reason, it made him feel really bad/ uncomfortable and he wasn't looking forward to talking to me about it. He said he really couldn't pinpoint why it 'stung' him so bad but it did and he just plain didn't want to face me. At first, I almost laughed it off because I thought he was just being overly dramatic and way too sensitive/tender about a few choice words (or how I delivered them). I thought to myself, "Suck it up for goodness sake!" 😠 However, I apologized for making him feel that way and I also told him that despite what/how I said what I said, he should've known by all my other actions toward him that I cared about his well being. Then, I started to think about a few other incidents (just within the last 3 weeks) that demonstrated that I had an incredible ability, even with regular words, to give off an 'eat sh*t and die'💩 sentiment/ feeling. The first happened a few weeks ago when a girlfriend of mine asked me something (perceived to be a really stupid question). I answered her. I didn't use any profanity or raise my voice but inside, I was thinking that it was a totally 'retarded' question and apparently when I answered her, it showed on my face. After my reply (to her question), she says, “Chauny, sometimes you really scare me!" I asked her what she meant by that and she just said that it's the way I look at (or how I react to) her sometimes. She said that she couldn't specifically put her finger on it because I really never said anything 'off the wall', it's just a feeling she gets from me sometimes. I'll admit, there are times when just the sound of her voice really gets to me. I thought I was keeping that hidden all this time but apparently I wasn't. Accepting what she told me, really made me feel bad. Secondly, just this past Friday, I went out to a restaurant/club I'd been to a few times. I was sitting at a table by myself for a few minutes, when a guy came by and asked me something I thought was completely rude and out of line (I won't provide specifics ). I looked him dead in his eyes, calmly gave him another made up scenario in which he would ask a similar question ( to the one he asked me ) to a complete stranger and I asked him if he thought it would be a suitable question in that situation. I didn't yell at him or use profanity, I just asked him in a way that let him know that I wasn't feeling his 'perceived' familiarity with me. He then said that he just thought I was pretty and he didn't use the right words. I thanked him for the compliment and suggested that next time he just say that instead of asking a question that some may be offended by. I was extremely annoyed by him but I sincerely didn't think it really showed. He apologized, I accepted and he left. When my friend sat back down at the table, I told her what happened and pointed to the guy I was talking about. Frankly, I really didn't think it was that big of a deal. But I told her that my aggravation must've shown on my face because he looked a little shaken up after I replied to his question. She then admitted to me that I do have a way of treating people in a way that makes them want to go jump in a hole and pull the hole in after them. Not so much by what I say but how I say it. Frankly, (again) I felt a little bad after hearing this. ____ She then says, "Chauny, I think he's writing something, I think he's writing you a note." She also reports that he's going from bar patron to bar patron to see who would be willing to deliver the note to me. She told me that a few people refused so eventually he went to the waiter, talked to him and gave him the note he'd been writing. A few minutes later, the waiter brings the note over to me. The guy had written a note on a drink napkin apologizing (again) and drew a beautiful flower with an arrow pointing to it that read, "for you". The waiter tells me (again) that the guy wanted to apologize and he wanted to buy us both drinks. I'd obviously hurt his feelings/shamed him with my reaction. Even though I was annoyed with him, I didn't mean to shake him up that much. He later came by again asked if we wanted anything else and that he was sorry for offending me...blah, blah, blah...well, you get the picture. Anyway, after my young friend's confession yesterday, I started to think about all those times that I may have offended people without really meaning to do as much damage as I ended up doing. I even thought back to one of my very first relationships where the guy admitted to me that I had the ability to make him angrier than any other person (in the world) had ever made him. I remember asking him why that was, he said he didn't know why but he could truthfully tell me that no other person had ever made him that angry/ upset before we got together or after we broke up (he told me this years after we broke up). Honestly, I used to think of it as sort of a talent or gift, not one that I would necessarily choose for myself but something that made me unique or special. I guess (before) I always thought it was kind of cool, like being King of the Nerds🤓...not where you really want to see yourself but at least you were best at it. Now hear me out, I'm not trying to brag. I'm not saying that these people were severely and emotionally damaged because of me/my words or actions. I'm just admitting that I definitely need to work on how I talk to/treat people sometimes. I'm wholeheartedly admitting that this a SEVERE personality flaw and I no longer want to be known for being a master at hurting people's feelings, making them feel stupid or mad at me. It would be easy to just put it off on "them" for being way too sensitive, and maybe they are, but I definitely have some hand in it. In the case of my new friend, I'm feeling a little weird about the whole situation and I'm not sure if it's something that can be 'overcome'. One big reason I'm uncertain (it can be 'overcome') is because I think he may have felt a little like a 'chump' or 'weak' for admitting that the reason for our 'disconnect' (him avoiding me) came from me just hurting his feelings (by what I said to him that day). Incidentally, I don't think he's a chump or weak at all. Honestly, he's really a rather masculine guy, other than that one situation. He's also younger than me, so I'm wondering if he thinks I think his age had anything to do with how he reacted. I'm not sure if/ how a "manly-man" gets over something like that. I'll admit something else too, I also feel a little funny about it. I mean, I think I can avoid this particular situation with him again but is this how he always reacts when he's feeling 'tender' or sensitive? Will he retreat into his shell for numerous weeks at a time without an explanation as to why? Or will he face the situation head-on the next time I do or say something that makes him 'uncomfortable'? I don't know and honestly, that worries me. Nobody will EVER have to wonder about what/how I'm feeling because I'll definitely let you know. Now, that IS something I pride myself on. I've always had a keen way of using words (articulating) exactly what it is I'm feeling. I'm not usually at a loss for words in that realm (my feelings). It isn't likely that I would drop off the face of the Earth' , without you knowing exactly why but then again, that's probably the biggest part of my whole problem isn't it? Man, did I learn anything here? Y'all please pray for me!!! 🙏🏾
Posted : 2006-10-24 12:22:00 PM Created : 2006-10-24 11:41:00 AM Visible to : Public
Blog ID : 184321956
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